Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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