Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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