yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
