OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
