i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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