I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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