Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
