Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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