I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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