Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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