There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
