I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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