I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
