My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
