I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
