I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
