I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
