It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
