the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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