I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
