Your mouth is God's brothel.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
