I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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