Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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