You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
