Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I love having hate sex.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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