it's too hot outside to masturbate.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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