i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
