Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
