Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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