I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
