Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
