Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
