Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize