Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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