Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
