Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
