She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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