I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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