i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
