apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
