I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize