I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize