whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
