OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
