You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
