Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i will never coherently bang her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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