Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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