Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
