Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
