i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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