we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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