Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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