I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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