I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize