that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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