Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
