I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
